At the Crossroads - AGAIN?

Between despair, anger, sadness and more anger has come the realization that once I come through this current life trial - I will be standing once again and rather unexpectedly - right in the middle of yet another crossroad.
Although I know that for each door that closes, another opens, it does sometimes take some pushing on that door by us to get it open. And in this case there seems to be either a limitless number of doors to choose from, or a lack of doors. A sort of the glass is overflowing or empty kind of quandary.
Oh, I know where I am, I've been here before. Had hoped that I'd made my last visit to this particular little piece of real estate from hell. But it seems, I was wrong. Here I am again.
Sigh.
I'll survive this - I have before.
I'll figure it out and make my way forward again.
But man, I'm tired of coming back to this spot again.

The Verdict Is In

In my mind the worst has happened - everyone got laid off save me and one other. Never have I so envied people who have lost their jobs. The sheer size of this insurmountable task called carrying on is more than I can bear right now. I want only to sleep - to pull the covers over my head and pretend it's all just a bad dream. Unfortunately I know I'll only wake again to find that the dream is reality and the task has only gotten larger.
I can't imagine continuing on with this. Yet it will be difficult to finally lay down the yoke and say - enough - no more - find yourself a new beast of burden - this one is tired and fed up and totally discouraged.
There is nothing more distressing than suddenly watching your job lose it's future, it's luster and joy.
And so - the waiting is over - now the action must begin. . .

waiting is sometimes harder than knowing

My work life sometimes runs away with me - but the last year and a half it seems to have spent more time trampling me and what remains of my tattered personal life.
This evening I sit here, wondering what the latest "reorg" to our company will mean to me and to the US company in particular.
One thing I know for sure. It won't be good news. The only question is - how bad will the news be? How deep will the cuts be?
I hope that I'm prepared for any and all eventualities. Certainly I've been through them all in my mind the last 18 months - and then some. Now all the talking, reports, information etc., is in - the board has met and I just await that call tomorrow morning.
And so,
waiting is sometimes harder than knowing.

It seems like a lifetime ago

since last I blogged. Jan 2006 - unbelieveable! What strikes me most is that I seemed to have time to think - to ponder - to almost breathe then. Now, it seems I have no life other than trying to hold all the fragile pieces of my life together with gum and sticky notes. How is it possible that time can pass that quickly? That I apparently have no outstanding memories of what went on in that time? Old age . . . it's still a bit early for that. Perhaps it's just the mind protecting itself and the emotional health - blocking out vast chunks of time when things were - well - not going so great. not that now is any better. The only difference is I have a moment to think today. Not much of a moment - but a brief little flutter of time in the midst of incredible rushing around like a crazy person trying to catch up - always trying to catch up.
It's an impossible task of course - catching up - it's like the laundry - it's never really done because of course while you are washing and drying and folding and sorting and putting it all away - you're wearing clothes - using towels - making MORE dirty laundry! Catching up is the same - you never really reach that point. I'm guessing that I may still be trying to catch up with something right up to the minute I breathe my last.
Sigh. . . and so it goes. Just a string of random thoughts.