Random Thoughts

Rest in Peace

2007-12-10T17:58:00.000-08:00

Zippy the dog AKA Zipper, Zipster, Zippy Doodles, Doodles DoodleO, Snoodle Hound, Snoodles. We lost our sweet Houndie today at 11:15 AM EDT. A true hound she fought the final sleep to the very end. I will miss her stubborn, silly, off balance nature for the rest of my life. This hound who was so difficult at times, was also sweet and loving, wanting nothing more than a pat on the head, a scratch under the chin. She will be missed by all of us, but I think most of all by her sister Abby who has not yet grasped the idea that this time Zippy isn't coming home again.
Godspeed sweet dog. May you find biscuits and fields galore and may the sun always be warm on your head.

My tribute to you and your sister:

To My Hounds -
So here's to the houndies, may they always be happy!
May their days all be sunny, and their meals served up snappy.
As they stroll round the block in the chilly Fall air
May their thoughts be of flushing fox from their lair

May they run hard in their dreams, when by day they may doze.
Swift of limb, strong of wind, the scent guiding their nose.
May they enjoy their warm place by the side of my chair,
While in their sweet dreams, wind blows through their hair.

Their pack was once large and was numbered in dozens,
May we now make up, for the lack of their cousins.
And when the time comes that we finally must part,
May their mighty hound calls, be still strong in my heart.
MaryChris

2007-10-29T16:28:00.000-07:00

It's Not Quite Like the Weight has Lifted . . .

2007-08-16T16:55:00.000-07:00

but it is certainly starting to feel a little lighter. I seem to be laughing a little more, smiling a little more. And of I'm trying not to focus on that big question mark out there that says - OK, smart ass - now what are you going to do? It will come in time - I just hope there is enough time before it arrives for some honest rest and not too much time for me to run a hole in my cash reserves. But I trust in a higher power that I will land on my feet once again and will muddle through to the next bend in the road without too many pitfalls and potholes.
Life never ceases to amaze me with its immense ability to remake itself reshape itself, over and over - dragging us along, sometimes kicking and screaming, other times enjoying the scenery and the ride. I'll hang on for a while and see what comes barreling down the road at me - hopefully before it hits me smack in the face!

I Just Looked at the Calendar

2007-07-28T17:37:00.000-07:00

and at the urging of my friends I've declared a new national holiday -
October 8th - FREEDOM FROM SWISS OPPRESSION DAY!
My last day running the US division of a Swiss owned company! And best of all - this year it just happens to fall on a legit holiday for our company - Columbus Day - seems right somehow - ol'Chris set off to discover new worlds and I'll be doing somewhat the same thing. Thank God no real boats will be involved - I do have a problem with seasickness. No Dramamine required for this voyage though. I will officially set course in a whole new direction and I'm thinking a party is in order to celebrate!

It is done

2007-07-20T13:55:00.000-07:00

"Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase. Just take the first step." MLK Jr
I took that first step - scary at this stage in my career, but it was something that I couldn't put off. I had done everything I could for everyone else in the company, and now I needed to take care of me. And strange as that may seem - that meant jumping off that bridge and leaping headfirst into the great unknown. Now, I'm not sure that I'm really all that afraid. I have - up to this point - always landed on my feet. Even when the odds were stacked against me. This time - I'm going out the door with a wealth of experience and good will from colleagues. Something will come. When one door closes, another opens. I do believe that. And I believe that my work is far from finished. But I do need a break. So, once I finish up all the loose ends - I will have that break. At long last.
"Take the first step in faith."

At the Crossroads - AGAIN?

2007-06-22T15:58:00.000-07:00

Between despair, anger, sadness and more anger has come the realization that once I come through this current life trial - I will be standing once again and rather unexpectedly - right in the middle of yet another crossroad.
Although I know that for each door that closes, another opens, it does sometimes take some pushing on that door by us to get it open. And in this case there seems to be either a limitless number of doors to choose from, or a lack of doors. A sort of the glass is overflowing or empty kind of quandary.
Oh, I know where I am, I've been here before. Had hoped that I'd made my last visit to this particular little piece of real estate from hell. But it seems, I was wrong. Here I am again.
Sigh.
I'll survive this - I have before.
I'll figure it out and make my way forward again.
But man, I'm tired of coming back to this spot again.

The Verdict Is In

2007-06-18T17:48:00.000-07:00

In my mind the worst has happened - everyone got laid off save me and one other. Never have I so envied people who have lost their jobs. The sheer size of this insurmountable task called carrying on is more than I can bear right now. I want only to sleep - to pull the covers over my head and pretend it's all just a bad dream. Unfortunately I know I'll only wake again to find that the dream is reality and the task has only gotten larger.
I can't imagine continuing on with this. Yet it will be difficult to finally lay down the yoke and say - enough - no more - find yourself a new beast of burden - this one is tired and fed up and totally discouraged.
There is nothing more distressing than suddenly watching your job lose it's future, it's luster and joy.
And so - the waiting is over - now the action must begin. . .

waiting is sometimes harder than knowing

2007-06-17T18:49:00.000-07:00

My work life sometimes runs away with me - but the last year and a half it seems to have spent more time trampling me and what remains of my tattered personal life.
This evening I sit here, wondering what the latest "reorg" to our company will mean to me and to the US company in particular.
One thing I know for sure. It won't be good news. The only question is - how bad will the news be? How deep will the cuts be?
I hope that I'm prepared for any and all eventualities. Certainly I've been through them all in my mind the last 18 months - and then some. Now all the talking, reports, information etc., is in - the board has met and I just await that call tomorrow morning.
And so,
waiting is sometimes harder than knowing.

It seems like a lifetime ago

2007-06-14T13:18:00.000-07:00

since last I blogged. Jan 2006 - unbelieveable! What strikes me most is that I seemed to have time to think - to ponder - to almost breathe then. Now, it seems I have no life other than trying to hold all the fragile pieces of my life together with gum and sticky notes. How is it possible that time can pass that quickly? That I apparently have no outstanding memories of what went on in that time? Old age . . . it's still a bit early for that. Perhaps it's just the mind protecting itself and the emotional health - blocking out vast chunks of time when things were - well - not going so great. not that now is any better. The only difference is I have a moment to think today. Not much of a moment - but a brief little flutter of time in the midst of incredible rushing around like a crazy person trying to catch up - always trying to catch up.
It's an impossible task of course - catching up - it's like the laundry - it's never really done because of course while you are washing and drying and folding and sorting and putting it all away - you're wearing clothes - using towels - making MORE dirty laundry! Catching up is the same - you never really reach that point. I'm guessing that I may still be trying to catch up with something right up to the minute I breathe my last.
Sigh. . . and so it goes. Just a string of random thoughts.

Nobody Cares - But I'll Post This Anyway!

2006-01-31T11:06:00.000-08:00

Yep - I've been beyond negligent in posting to my blog. I admit it - openly and freely!
I'm just a lousy blogger! In my defense - wait - there is no defense....sigh....I just let time and life run away with me. I get caught up in the day to day so much sometimes I don't have time to breathe it seems! What's the answer - darned if I know! I'm too busy to think about it! And while we're at it - what the heck is going on with the weather these days - it's supposed to be winter for hecks sake! One day it's 60 the next it's 20......chee!
OK - that's it for this rant!
Have a good one - or whatever!

Life is a blur...

2005-10-15T00:12:00.000-07:00

It's crunch time in the book publishing world. The big fall titles are all shipped, or about to ship and we are hard at work finishing the last details on the production end of the Spring 2006 list. The Spring catalog is due at the printer in mere days, the Frankfurt Book Fair (the single largest meeting of publishers from around the globe) beckons in just a few short days. We are busily solidifying the Fall 2006 list and about to begin the work on those titles in just days. Spring 2006 will be sold to the "big guys" (read Barnes & Noble et al...) in the next month and the field reps who handle all those smaller but oh so important independent accounts, will be assembling to see the Spring list for the first time in Dec. By then, Spring (in fact 2006) will already be basically over for those of us higher up the food chain......I have a hard time sometimes remembering what year it is. At any given time I can be checking on some title that is about to ship - a book I haven't really looked at in the last 9 months, in the same breath I am trying to wrestle a manuscript for Spring 2007 to the ground, and dealing with a slowwwww illustrator of a book on the slate for Fall 2006.....
Some people have a hard time keeping track of what the date is, or the day, me - in my world - it's all you can do to keep your hands firmly wrapped on what year it is.
I can't help feeling sometimes like the world is spinning ever faster out of control! Time off becomes a vapor dream, a shimmering phantom always just on the edge of the approaching horizon that I never quite reach. No time no time no time.....hurry hurry hurry, that's the drumbeat to which my life seems to march. Hmmmmm......no time even to ponder I'm afraid. To quote someone near and dear - "I'm running out of time."

Hurricanes, travel and stuff

2005-10-02T13:30:00.000-07:00

Could it really be over a month since I posted a blog? Apparently so, a reality - time flies, whether you are having fun or not. The craziness of life hit me again when I was having a conversation with someone about what is truly important in life. He is younger and currently - hmmmm, between portfolios shall we say. we were discussing our lives, and that of someone else in terms of whether money was the most important thing, or whether feeling some sense of satisfaction in what you do, some challenge, is the big thing.
Older wiser me: "You'll find that when you reach that point where you have enough money, coming in, in the bank, whatever, that you no longer worry day to day that one unexpected illness, or problem could crash you, that you start to realize what is really important isn't money, but how you feel about what you do."
Younger, broke he: "Bull, money is the thing. If you have it or not - it's the thing. It doesn't matter what you do, it's money that is the true measure of what you've accomplished."
Hmmmm...ok - there's a lot to ponder there. I'm not so far from that time(s) when money was a VERY big issue in my day to day life. And what if what you enjoy doing, that has brought you the money that you were needing, is also taking up so much of your life and time that you no longer have any time for any of the other things or people that you care about? Now, there's the rub for me.
This is going to take some pondering.........thoughts?

New Orleans

2005-09-04T07:34:00.000-07:00

The enormity of the crisis stunned me, as it did many people. Anger, frustration, sadness all rolled into one as I watched the never ending coverage of people as they first breathed a sigh of relief - whew! we made it through the storm! And then we watched as levees were breached, the city flooded and people's capacity to endure was stretched to the max. Especially that of the poor....already leading lives of quiet desperation, from day to day, suddenly tar paper shacks and hovels many of us would have a hard time ever calling "home", were swept away, flooded, or burnt and everything they had - with no hope of rebuilding, no insurance, savings, no job now that those were gone with the flood as well, parents and children separated, grandparents, brothers, sisters, cousins, husbands, wives plunged into a whirlwind of turmoil and grief.
Do I think we failed New Orleans - you bet!
Do I think all that failure was just in the last week - no way!
Do I think we can point a finger at one mayor, one governor, senators, representatives, one president - no - this was clearly a long time coming and the burden of guilt lies on many heads, including those of the citizens of the New Orleans we once knew.
As is often the case, things wear out, break down, or are just inadequate for the big test. But as long as they are still functioning, even if it's just marginally, we tend to ignore it. And so the pumps, the levees, the flood control of a city built below sea level got ignored for generations.
You know how it is, you know you should put money away for that roof that will eventually need to be replaced, that furnace that won't last forever...but there are so many other things calling to us and our resources on a daily basis that we lose sight of planning ahead - of stocking the larder. And so, like the grasshopper in the Aesop's fable, New Orleans winter has come.
My thoughts and prayers go out to everyone there, and in Mississippi and Georgia. May God guide you through this trial. And may this be the wakeup call we all need to put our plans in order, our reinforcements in place.

Flying in the post 9/11 era

2005-08-27T11:25:00.000-07:00

For years I've flown on business. Been one of those Platinum Elite people, lots o' miles. Looking at my statistics the other day I discovered that with one airline alone I've logged over 1.2 million actual flight miles in 9 years...I knew I was gone a lot!
All of this is to say, I've done my share of time in airports, on planes, per and post 9/11 and I have to say these are the things that stand out the strongest.

We're all a lot more polite to the security and airline people post 9/11. No more screaming and yelling at the gate or ticket agents when your flight is cancelled, luggage lost, tickets or reservations screwed up....we're all appropriately afraid of incurring the wrath of the Homeland Security types and winding up with our name on that heretofore mystery list of people who routinely get pulled over for extra security checks...or worse are refused the "right" to fly commercial airline flights at all! I use the word "right" loosely here - it's not a privilege, more like a trial these days.

Prices up, flights overbooked, airlines losing money hand over fist - OK, I admit I understand the problems, but really - how is this possible?

Americans as a people are getting heavier every year - yet airlines keep making the seats in coach (and yes in first too!) smaller and closer together.....you figure it out - they truly don't give a flying $%^& about customer satisfaction or comfort anymore - that is clear. Oh, and am I the only one, but have the frequent flyers out there noticed that some airlines (based in Newark & Houston - starts with a C - just a hint) have started cutting the number of seats in first to the ridiculous. I've been flying the same 2 flights on a nearly monthly basis in and out of a major city in the US for the last 5 years - in that time the plane size stayed the same but the number of seats in first has shrunk from 14 to 6 - yes I said 6!

Airline "alliances" you know - Sky Team, Star Alliance - what a load of horse hockey. What this means is yes you can use your accumulated miles on more airlines - but so can all those other smucks with 90 gadzillion miles saved up - result - no one can get the flights they want. And, sorry, but being platinum used to mean you were guaranteed an upgrade into first - no questions - not anymore, because now you're competing for that handfull of seats with platinums from 7 other airlines!

Security checks - I'm not going to get into this in print - I don't want to wind up on that "list"!

Time spent in airports in lines - has increased exponentially in the last 4 years.....I figure I've spent the equivalent of an EXTRA 7 days a year in airport lines now than I did in pre 9/11 days.

So why do I do it?

Good question!

I think it has something to do with a paycheck and a lifestyle.....or maybe it's just that I refuse to crumble and give in...

Things I've learned over the years

2005-08-20T02:26:00.000-07:00

We all wind up with a small collection of wisdom which ultimately is useful only to overselves and possibly a small group of scattered people in similiar circumstances....here I share some of mine with you....things like....

it's best not to leave crayons on the car seat in the summer...

travel always sounds better than it actually is...especially post 9/11

spouses don't really want to hear about what's going on at work......they've heard it all already! Save the urge for the truly spectacular story....

never tell strangers you are in publishing, no matter what level or type of job you hold, unless you want to be showered with unasked for manuscripts for stories only a monkey could love...

should you climb the ranks in publishing and actually become A publisher......never tell anyone!

the day you decide to take the afternoon off will be the day all #$%^ breaks out in the company...

karma.....it is powerful.....handle with care

two dogs are not better, easier and will definitely cost more than twice what one costs!

I think that's all the wisdom I can handle for today....

Hot Hot Hot

2005-08-13T18:04:00.000-07:00

I am so tired of this unrelenting heat and humidity! It drones on day after day, making you want to stay inside in the cool air conditioned house...till you start to feel like summer is flying by and you have some weird form of cabin fever. Then you open the door. Smack in face it hits you. Heat. A wall of heat. You bravely step outside, perhaps a breeze will come to stir the air...no. The only air movement is caused by the buzzing wings of the mosquitoes and flies as they swarm around you sensing fresh blood. You blunder on, waving your arms, looking like some deranged person running for your car. You jump in and slam the door. Yow! Your hand seems to actually sizzle as you touch the steering wheel. Thank god you wore jeans or your legs would be melded permanently to the red hot seats. Your turn the key, the engine roars. You desperately crank up the AC hoping it will magically cool the unbreatheable air you are encased in. Finally it starts to cool a bit.....aaaaa, that's better. You go to put the car in gear when it hits you - wherever you go, you are going to have to make this crazy dash from car to building and then back out to the car again to return home....it hardly seems worth it - hmmmm perhaps a drive through is the answer - OK. You drive to the local fast food joint. Rats, you have to roll the window down to order, pay and get your food - but if you really turn the fan and AC up full blast it won't be sooo bad, right? You order - get your food, pay your bill and quickly roll the window back up. Now what? If you drive home with the food, the frigid blast of the AC in the car will render your hot juicy burger inedible (they never are the same after microwaving) if you eat it here you will have to leave the AC and engine running...further endangering the already fragile environment with those petroleum fumes...you decide to drive home - but as fast as possible and still not wind up wrapped around a lightpost, or pulled over by the local cops. You make the last turn, hit the garage door opener and prepare to make the dash through the buggy outdoors back to the safety of your home...only now your attempts at swatting the flies away is hampered by the bag, keys and cold drink you're balancing. You turn the key - throw the door open and shut as fast as possible letting in only one small - but thoroughly annoying fly who will elude your attempts as fly homicide for at least the better part of the afternoon. You collapse in a chair at the table, enjoy your still sort of warm lunch, slurp the last sip of your cold drink and realize you left your cell phone in the car, innocently sitting on the front seat, plugged into your lighter socket, quietly sucking up the power from your car battery.....and you wonder, how long until Fall?

Thoughts on a Friday in the summer

2005-08-05T08:29:00.000-07:00

Why is it so hard to get any work done on a Friday afternoon, especially in the summer?
And why does every Friday afternoon seem to bring with it some crisis (real or imagined) that is impossible to take care of before the end of the day - usually because at least some of the people you need to solve it have already left, or gasp taken the day off! And so, there you are, not only feeling grumpy and abused because you have to work, but you wind up carrying little bits and pieces of this crisis all weekend until finally it can be taken care of on Monday!

Those long Friday afternoons - they seem to drag on forever from 1 till 5 (or in my case 6 or 7). Each hour is like a day in itself, while the weekend ahead sits tantalizingly close, glimmering like an oasis in the desert of the workaday world. Ohhhhh Saturday, the things you will do, the fun that will be had, tasks that will be accomplished, it's mindboggling! Yet in your heart you know that it would take ten people to do all that, cram all that into just one day. And still, each week we continue this crazy course, putting all the fun of the week off till Saturday - glorious Saturday.
LOL! OK, I've yet to have a really fabulous Saturday! And I have a spouse who chronically overbooks his time on Saturday.....hmmmm. Perhaps it's time for a change, time to stop putting all the fun off till that day of mythic proportions "next Saturday". Time to start snatching bits and pieces of that fun during the work week!
What's that! DURING THE WORK WEEK! Someone call the work ethic police - this one is becoming a slacker!
Well, I guess there's always Sunday......

Who is in charge here?

2005-07-31T08:07:00.000-07:00

Here's a random thought for a Sunday morning - who is in charge here? As with many questions, where you put the emphasis when asking it can change the whole way it is taken - WHO is in charge here? Who is in charge here? Who ? is in charge here? But I digress, it really is about the who after all? And this is a question that works on lots of levels - it can be asked of a family, business, government agency (but please don't - you might have to fill out 12 forms in triplicate just to never get an answer!), a country, or on the most personal level - of a life. When we're children from 1 to about 5 the answer is simple - our parents, or anyone bigger and older than us...which at the time seemed to be the majority of the population of the world. As we begin to step away from the nuclear family and start school, the authority shifts, Mon-Fri from 9 to 3 the authority is clear - teachers, principals, school nurse, playground monitors, hall monitors, lunch room ladies.....you get the idea. When we returned home - that authority shifted back to Mom, Dad, and your pesky older siblings. When we finally truly start questioning the validity of the authority of all these people, ahhh, that's when we think it finally gets interesting. Haha, they all have feet of clay, I teenager extraordinare I am in charge here!! I decide my own destiny, am captain of my fate....and to an extent we are. Particularly if we make some really bonehead decision and fall to peer pressure and try shoplifting, drugs, drinking, driving recklessly...whatever...we can be paying the price for years to come for that....
But it finally comes to us, much later, that we really have no control at all over our lives. This is the point where we finally grapple with the big question - IS THERE SOMEONE(THING) IN CHARGE? It all comes back to change, planning, and life - and where you stand on that big question.
Me, I believe now, (NOTE: I didn't believe this when I thought I was in charge for years and went through life blundering around, making dumb decisions and thinking I was in charge!) that yes, there is a higher power in charge. Call him, her or it whatever you (or your particular culture) like. I just know, that when I fought the idea and thought I was in charge, my life seemed to spin ever more furiously out of control. Now, I know, I'm NOT in charge....well at least not in the largest sense. I truly believe that the answers are within us - that if we listen to our gut instinct, that little voice in our head, and if we acknowledge that we can't control life and hand over the reins to that higher power - that it is then that life finally starts to make sense. Not always, but at least some of the time. It is then that we finally can concentrate on doing what's right for the greater good, instead of on what we think is right just for us.
OK, this could be a tad theological, or many a bit too philosophical for everyone, but there it is - my random thought on a Sunday.....

Pondering the word Random

2005-07-26T08:39:00.000-07:00

Further thoughts that crop up include pondering the word random itself.
According to the dictionary the meaning is as follows:

ran·dom ( P ) Pronunciation Key (rndm)adj.
Having no specific pattern, purpose, or objective: random movements. See Synonyms at chance.
Mathematics & Statistics. Of or relating to a type of circumstance or event that is described by a probability distribution.
Of or relating to an event in which all outcomes are equally likely, as in the testing of a blood sample for the presence of a substance.

Somehow, this doesn't seem to cover it though. The sheer randomness of life seems to have a purpose of its own. It keeps us guessing, on our toes, wondering, "What's next?" I always thought that part of the joy of randomness was it's ability to keep us from becoming too staid, too set in our ways. One of the great tenents of my life has been that "The only constant in life is change." And then there's that word chance...chance encounter...took a chance....what were the chances? Somehow that doesn't feel the same as random, yet the dicitonary tells us it is a synonym. My life seems to have had a purpose to its randomness, a meaning if you will. To accept that you can't let what you have planned for your life get in the way of what life has planned for you.
Everytime I thought I had it licked, had it all figured out, was finally on the right path - BLAM! Life smacked me upside the head! Stupid person - there is no right (or wrong for that matter) path that will make your life hum along like a welltuned engine. Never missing a beat, happy happy happy. Nope. No one gets to keep the gold ring forever - you only get to hold it for a while. But that possession is only temporary, fleeting at best. Before you know it, life has snatched it from your grasp while you weren't looking. The best we can hope for is to get to hold it more than once in our lives.

OK, I can hear your objections - STOP SHOUTING! I know that sounds pessimistic. Fatalistic. Where is the chance in that? Hmmmmm, let me ponder that for a while.

Aren't all thoughts random? Why are yours so special?

2005-07-24T10:41:00.000-07:00

How can I answer that queston - thoughts seem to randomly appear even when you're trying to concentrate on a particular problem or topic. Up they pop like like lightning bugs flitting across the sky on a summer night. Some burn brightly and get your immediate attention. Others flicker on and off, on and off, for some time before you notice them. And then there are those whose light is dim, but who land on your hand or head and annoy the heck out of you till you swat them away. But the best and hardest are the ones who flash on and off quickly - flying in strange and random patterns - always just out of reach. They tantalize you with their possibilities, their promise of something special, better. Leading you on a merry chase across the lawn till finally, nearly out of breath, you reach out and grab them, only to open your hand and see that it is empty and that special idea has slipped out of sight. Even if you manage to find it again, it never seems quite the same, some vital bit is missing, it turns out not to be so unique after all. So, what are random thoughts.....